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I am up so early I can’t sleep is because anxiety has hit me again why do we let our mind drive us crazy these are things that some of us can not control but we can make it work right now some coffee and some outdoors works and some fresh air as well life is hard but we have to make the best off it I also maid some bad choices and my weight went up yeah I wasn’t eating right I stop working out I have a little of depression starting but I have to maintain my composure or ill go crazy the truth sometimes when you least expect it their are memories from the past that comes back and you can’t control that I keep myself busy because if not it will drive me nuts their are things in my past that hunts me and they mark me for life and is a scar that those not heel their are times when I can over come it and it don’t come to hunt me and I live just fine but when it comes what can we do you know especially when you never got help for it going to a shrink don’t mean your crazy is just smart but we don’t think of it in that way any who I was rape when I was a child I was malested my my uncle and those are scars I can never forget you have the people that tell you ay just let it go and move on but if it happened to you could you let it go Because I don’t really think so as a little girl I was loved I always felt like I didn’t belong there with my mom yes with my mom why because I had to pay for what ever my dad had do to her she hated that I look like she hated that I have the same smile like him so that bother her is not right for a child to pay for her father and mothers mistake but I had to pay and because of this matter my mom was not close to me she was close to my other cusins more then yes I had food and a home a bed to sleep in but I felt lonely and very out of place life goes on is what I am told or like my aunts tells she is never change I get it but I never thought I would be such a burden to my mom is bad that your the only child and you get treated like if your not their child you feel weird I felt adopted well as least at one point I thought I was adopted but she was so cold with me and distance I never knew why wasn’t she like that with the other kids in the family it was just me truth is she told me all the time I never wanted you I try so many things to not have you that freaking smile like your dad and so far and so for this hurt me as I was going up with her deeply it maid me not trust no-one I am not a people person but I am a loving person I love to take care of my kids and give them love and so forth but I truly don’t know what that is life is hard and when as a child you are mark like this their is no going back you may for get for a bit but it comes back and when it those it hurts as if it just happened to me and I start to wonder why why did I deserve this treated from the one person that was suppose nurture me and love why later on in the years my mom ask me why are you so distance from me and I just couldn’t anwer her I just didn’t know why but the truth is she taught me to be this way I am the only child and I had to live this lifestyle for years as a kid is not something you just forget yes she has told me now that she is sorry but sorry those not cut it with me even though she did what she did I was always there for her and I try to give anything she ask for because she is my mother but I just can’t forget I have forgiving her but I can’t forget you know I have trust issues because of her and I can’t change that the truth is I love my mom with all my heart but I can’t be clingi with her like I go visit her and spend time with her and the family but I can’t be with her every day is just how she raise she couldn’t even look at me when I small or hug me or tell me she loved me she just always said you look like your father and if I smile I would get smack just cause I never understood why she hated me so much that she would leave me in my aunts house and disappear or leave me with her aunt disappear and I woulnt even here from her then when she became gay she definitly forgot about me it was all about her girl and her she left me at my grandmas house and forgot I was their I am not innocent by any means but I always ask her why are you like that with me what did I ever do to deserve this from you I mean as I got older I started not to care for her because I felt all my life that she didn’t care bout me but I could cry in my room and know she herd me cry and she would go and check up on me not once as a child or a teen she check on me and hug me or said I love in my teen years she completely forgot bout me there were times I didn’t even know if she was home or not she even stop leaving food cooked in the stove like I said it was all about her girl Nancy boy I hated this lady with a passion she unto wake me up at 5 in the morning and tell me go leave because your mom is in a bad mood and she said she was gonna hit me so being a teen didn’t want to get hit I would get dress quietly and leave not knowing that this lady lied so that I can get when I come home that’s messed up she did this for a while then their were times that my mom would be home but this lady wouldnt let me in my moms room and I would argue with her and to be honest I was disrespectful to Nancy because why I can’t see my mom any who it didn’t matter what I said nothing was ever good to my mom then she became an alcoholic so here goes another boom in my face anyways I youse to at this point just leave the house and hang out with my friends and chill drink smoke wee I didn’t have no-one to guide me or nurture me so I was looking for that in the street with my friends that led to a lot of bad things but I manage then I started working now she wanted to talk to me you have to give $50.00 every time you get paid I said no I am not giving you money to drink I’m sorry you have to cause you live in my roof I’m not giving you money to drink time past and then we started talking again but this time I wanted to take my mom out to eat dinner and shopping but I couldn’t even do that because she would tell me Nancy has to go to and I would tell her no I just want go out with you as my mom but no I never got that chance because if her girl was not coming that wasn’t happening so felt neglected to I drop out of high school I was in my las year to work for what I was going to school I was leaving at twelve and I was chilling at my dads house all the time and going to work she didn’t even know I had sign off school that’s how much she cared about me I only remember when was maybe 5 to 8 the last time my mom show she cared when she unto study with me in school and she would take me to school that she took her time helping study for a spelling test then it all went down the line from there this is what I remember thus far then one day my boyfriend told move in with me and so I did she didn’t even notice I was gone until I decided to come back one day to get my stuff can you believe she had the nerve to beat me up because I was leaving the nerve in her to hit me like if she earn that position hearing those words throughout my child hood was not easy I didn’t want to have you I try everything to not have you I didn’t want you your father beat me your father cheated on me in my head all kept saying to myself then why you gave birth to me why if I maid you so upset by looking at me why didn’t you just quit on me because I look like my dad I didn’t do this to you he did I didn’t ask to be born u gave birth to me I didn’t cheat on you he did I didn’t beat you he did as I got older I just maid some choices in life because I had no guidance no support no one who love me and I got in trouble with the law a couple of times I party I drunk liquor I smoke some I did a lot of things I am not proud of but then one day I change I stop everything I was doing met my sons father moved with him and felt safe had a child and I went back to school and I graduated and I happy to say I have my ged and my associated in medical administration and my bachelors in coding I did for me and my son I became a better person a bit bitter but I change life was hard for me but I change many of you might not believe what your reading but is true I know this hard for some people to believe but it is truth my truth and I felt like I wanted to share this with you guys because I feel like I am drowning and here I feel okay to share my stories and I hope you guys don’t judge me but sometime you rip what you sew I will share more with you guys another time just needed to vent with you all

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